Did you know that Great Britain’s parliament has a Minister of Loneliness? Well, not really. They have a Minister of Sport and Civil Society. Following the release of report which said that 20% of English citizens feel lonely most or all of the time, British Prime Minister Theresa May added addressing an epidemic of loneliness to the list of the responsibilities of this ministerial branch. Tracey Crouch leads the Ministry of Sport and Civil Society which caused the British Press to dub Crouch “The Minister of Loneliness”.

It may, on the surface, seem frivolous. Why, in light of much more serious health challenges, would a nation devote money and resources to something that seems as “solve-able” as loneliness? I mean…just pick up the phone and call someone, right? First of all, the Brits are very much ahead of all of us. There are very real social and economic costs to loneliness and isolation. Researchers believe that the health impact of loneliness is more lethal than obesity or smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Lonely people are less productive people. But researchers also admit that when doing surveys of the general public to assess the levels of loneliness that they don’t use the “L” word. Why?

I can admit I’m loud. I can admit I’m overweight. I can admit I’m exhausted, sick, angry, or addicted. Why is it so hard to admit I’m lonely? That’s a very pertinent question — especially in recent weeks where COVID-19 isolation has been mandated. Why don’t we just pick up the phone and call someone? Heather Dugan is the Author of “The Friendship Upgrade” a book born out of her own quest for real connection with others. “Loneliness feels shameful, “ says Heather. “We see being separated from people as judgement on our likability.”

Loneliness unfairly equates to being unloved, unliked, and without social connection. In an age of “every-day-is-a-Disney-day” promotion of our lives on social media, the lonely fear that by admitting they are NOT living in the Magic Kingdom they are also drawing a picture of themselves as unliked, unloved, or unworthy of both. Dugan says that social media gives the illusion of being connected, but we are really not. “It’s one-sided,” says Heather. “We are looking in on the lives of others but there is no connection, and that isolation only exacerbates our loneliness. We are trading real facial expression for emojis.” If we only knew, really knew, the vast numbers of people who are just like us living in bouts of loneliness (yes, even the selfie-Mom with perfect kids who finds time to write the perfect blog) we might feel more comfortable being the first to raise our hands.

It’s also important to realize that human beings haven’t changed. YOU are not “broken” because you are lonely. Our DNA wires us for connection. Past cultures “fed” that wiring with front porches, book clubs, bowling leagues and families who stayed in the same zip code. Cultural changes move kids far away, put us in front of computers by day and Netflix by night. Many times our only “social” interaction is with the coworkers with whom we exchange a few pleasantries.

Next week in House Call I will touch on the “cure”! It takes courage. But you can do it!

This blog is written by Kathy Chiero. The Kathy Chiero Group, Keller Williams Greater Columbus is the proud sponsor of DownSize Columbus and Central Ohio’s top real estate team. Find us at www.OurOhioHome.com.

Heather Dugan’s Book “The Friendship Upgrade” is available on Amazon at the link below:

It may seem like an obvious choice.  You no longer use several rooms in your home.  Exterior maintenance of your home is a chore you are either unwilling or unable to do.  You only live in Central Ohio half the year.  It’s time to shop for a condominium.  Maybe.  Maybe not.

Let’s first understand what a condo is.  The word condominium is less a description of a type of housing as it is a legal definition of ownership. The condominium building structure is divided into several units that are each separately owned, surrounded by common areas that are jointly owned.  In simple terms — you own and maintain “walls in,” the interior of your unit; the Condominium Association owns and maintains “walls out,” the exterior of the unit.

There are benefits to this shared ownership: an elected Board guided by homeowner vote hires out the maintenance of these exterior and common areas.  Your lawn is mowed, your mulch is put down, your roof is replaced all on a schedule determined by the Board and paid for by monthly dues.  You can travel to Europe for two weeks or go to Florida for four months without have to worry about the care of your property.  Two inches of snow?  You can enjoy your coffee while snow blowers whir outside your window.  Many communities feature members-only pools, fitness centers and clubhouses.

There are also restrictions to this communal ownership.  Condominiums come with a list of rules called “by-laws” which dictate the “do’s and don’ts” of your jointly owned property and common space.  Want to put an Ohio State Flag out on game day?  It might be allowed ON game day — but must come down by Sunday.   Forget and leave your garage door open when you leave for work?  You may come home to a notice of a fine for breaking the ‘no garage doors open’ rule.   The purpose of these rules is to maintain the value, aesthetics and uniformity of the property but can be stifling to a free spirit or the homeowner accustomed to imminent domain of his/her domain.

Anita Smith is the Principal Broker for EPCON Communities, the #1 condominium developer in Central Ohio since 1986.  The name EPCON is synonymous with condominiums and Anita has watched the development of the condo product for over two decades.  The earliest EPCON condos, says Anita, had “very few bells and whistles.”  They were glorified apartments: two bedrooms, 1.5 baths, 1 car garage, no basement.   “The 1980s condo buyer was simply looking for no maintenance and we offered that for $60,000” says Anita.

My, what two decades has done to the industry!  The condominiums of 2020 are, to use an ad agency phrase, not your Mother’s condo.  And, says Anita, they are no longer just for your mother.  “We are seeing more, and younger people choose condos as a lifestyle, not just the next move for a downsizer,” she says.  Each year EPCON polls their sales representatives with the questions “What were your customers asking for that we don’t offer.  Why didn’t potential buyers buy?”  Through that constant evaluation of customer needs today’s EPCON condominium bears resemblance to their 1980 forebears only in name. “Expectation has changed,” says Anita. “Younger, more affluent and educated Buyers are coming in and saying ‘this is what I have in my 4000 square foot home. I want the same thing in my 2000 square foot condo.’ “Today’s condominiums are free-standing, offer basements, storage, large garages, gourmet kitchens, fenced in courtyards, outdoor living areas, and even pet grass for Fido.   Price?  The $60,000 that bought the 1986 condo is now the down payment on these luxury units that easily run $450,000 and more.

Is it for you?  After over twenty years of selling condos (and living in one herself), Anita says education is the key.  “It’s not a single-family home and it’s not for everybody.”  My own experience as a Realtor emphasizes this: if you know what you’re buying before you buy and that’s why you’re buying it — you’ll be happy.  If you don’t research condo living or you think you’ll buck the bureaucracy — you’ll likely be unhappy.

Next week in House Call we’ll get specific:  how do you decide if condo living is for you?

This blog is written by Kathy Chiero.  The Kathy Chiero Group, Keller Williams Greater Columbus is the proud sponsor of DownSize Columbus and Central Ohio’s top real estate team for the over-55 homeowner.  Find us at www.OurOhioHome.com

There is a phenomenon that every Realtor has watched happen: a family with a perfectly respectable home decides they need to sell their house and buy another because the family has grown, and additional children means the need for an additional bedroom.  After all, every child needs their own room, right?   It’s the “American” in the “American Dream”.

I recently posed this question to my Facebook audience.  I’ll be honest.  I, personally, was leaning toward the “Americans are spoiled” reasoning.  There is no need for individual bedrooms, our grandparents raised our parents three-to-a-room, other cultures don’t have the luxury of private space, etc.  Several of my Facebook friends shared that opinion. Cindy said “Oh mercy!  We just stacked ‘em higher! They seem no worse for the experience.” Charlie commented: “5 kids, 2 parents, three bedrooms.  Be happy they have their own bed…”

Several weighed-in on their own experience growing up. Perhaps seen through the rose-colored glasses of nostalgia, many remembered the experience as overwhelmingly positive.  Some said they continued sharing the bedroom long after additional space made it unnecessary.  Erica said she shared a room with her twin sister until she was 15.  “We had two twin beds” said Erica “we would end up in the same bed.”   Corinna came from a family of nine children.  She shared a bedroom with her sister. “We fought, we schemed, we drew lines down the middle, we shared boyfriend tales, clothes, make up and stories of each other’s worlds. Today, Karen and I have special bond. When we travel together, we still share a room.”

The comments were also enlightening and helped me look at it from another perspective. Agnes grew up in a “Communist style” apartment in Romania.  Her children now have their own bedrooms which Agnes believes helps with their sleep schedules.  Genna says she and her brother were such total opposites in their personalities, she doesn’t know how they could have shared a room.  Scott said he was so different from his brother a shared bedroom was “constant battles” to the point that he often slept in the basement rather than face the fight upstairs.   Needless to say, Dad Scott is a huge proponent for separate bedrooms.

The luxury of individual bedrooms in America did not become widespread until the post-WW2 building boom introduced tract homes, often with individual “compartments” — as the rooms were called at the time.  Even today, individual bedrooms is not the “norm” in most cultures worldwide.  I remember driving a visiting Israeli around the suburbs I lived in.  It was his first visit to the United States. To Americans, the brick two-stories at which he was looking were middle class. They were not starter homes, but certainly not homes of affluence.  He asked if all of the structures were libraries or civic buildings.  “No,” I said, “they are houses.”  “For ONE family?” He asked in astonishment. Yep.  That would be our culture.

Forget the 1930s promise of “a chicken in every pot”, by the twenty-first century the sign of affluence was a bedroom for every child. According to the National Association of Home Builders, the average size of a home has gone from 1400 square feet in 1955 to 2600 square feet in 2018. This increase is partially attributed to the need for more bedrooms.  There are good reasons for having separate bedrooms for each child: privacy, sleep autonomy, creating good study habits, discipline in keeping a room clean — all of these legitimate benefits result from separate bedrooms.  But, says Dr. Joan DiFuria, Author of “Affluence Intelligence,” it also makes parents feel better.  It confirms their image as good providers and allows them to match the standard of their peers.  “No one wants to be the one family who can’t afford a home with bedrooms for each child.  There are subtle and not-so-subtle comparisons made even if they are not spoken”. Ouch.

The answer to the question about the need for separate bedrooms is there is no correct answer.  Dr James Crist, Clinical Psychologist in Woodbridge, Virginia and author of “Siblings: You’re Stuck With Each Other So Stick Together” says that it is a family decision: “there can be great benefits from same-sex children sharing a room not the least of which is a life-long bond which develops in close proximity.”  If a family is able to afford separate bedrooms the benefit is privacy and a child’s control over their own space and things.  However, says Dr. Crist, it shouldn’t be a decision made simply because affluence allows separate bedrooms. There is some baseline agreement: boys and girls should have separate bedrooms when they reach an age where modesty matters. Beyond that, says Dr. Crist, room-sharing has great benefits.  “First of all, it teaches them to share” he says. “This youngest generation is one of always having ‘my own things.’” Kids who share bedrooms tend to be better at negotiating and resolving conflict says Dr. Crist, “as long as Mom and Dad don’t do it for them.”  The important role of the parents becomes setting the age-appropriate boundaries and acting as a “consultant” to guide resolutions of the conflict when disagreements interfere with sleep or harmonious living.

Do you miss the happier days of shared bedrooms and a simpler life?  My guest in next week’s blog did.  And she did something about it.  Join me next week here in House Call.

House Call is a blog by Kathy Chiero, Team Leader of The Kathy Chiero Group at Keller Williams Greater Columbus.  Find Kathy at www.OurOhioHome.com

I recently posed a question on my Facebook page: “Is it necessary for kids to have their own bedrooms?”  It could be expected that there are a variety of answers.  Adults speak out of their own experience and parents comment on what works for them.  One answer intrigued me.  Jennifer Wernert wrote “I’m 32 and a mom of 4. This year I downsized my family’s home from 5 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms, 3400 square feet and a full finished basement to an 1100 square foot ranch with 3 bedrooms, 1 bath and no basement. “Now my boys have one room and my girls have their room.”  Jennifer went on to write that this decision was made purposefully: while her family had normal financial concerns, the mortgage was manageable, and her family enjoyed the large house and a wonderful neighborhood.  Her answer intrigued me. (“Who does that?!) I called to hear the details.  Here is Jennifer’s story:

Jennifer and her husband Dustin have four children ranging in age from 2 to 13.  When this story starts, they had three children, two boys and a one girl, which made workable what Jennifer described as a “very average” house of three bedrooms and two baths. The Wernert’s were halfway through a five-year plan of home improvement.  Like many homeowners they had done renovations to the home so that it was just getting “like we liked it” said Jennifer.   In what can only be described as incredibly impulsive decision Jennifer saw a Facebook ad for a bigger home in a neighboring community.  She called her real estate agent and made arrangements to see it. With 2.5 years left on their five-year plan, Dustin balked, but eventually went along to see the larger house. While they didn’t get that home, they did get “the bug.”  Now it was Dustin intent on moving their family of 5 into a bigger home.

They found another home that Dustin loved, Jennifer liked-not-loved the home. It was, well, big.   The ceilings soared, the rooms were expansive, the walk-out basement finished.  The Wernert’s doubled their square footage and their mortgage.  Within months Jennifer was pregnant and had made a career change to a newly licensed Realtor. A professional change that promised to be ultimately profitable was, in the short term, a struggle.   The mortgage became a burden, the work incessant, and the house that was big was now too big. Because Jennifer wasn’t crazy about the house to begin with “I fell out of love with it” she says.   “I needed to work harder and make more money.  I wasn’t a good Mom.  Instead of being present with my kids I was always telling them to go somewhere in this big house.  Go play.  Go watch TV”. There were arguments with Dustin.  The “feast or famine” nature of a Realtor’s career was a sore spot.  When it was “feast” they spent the money as fast as it was made.  When it was “famine” a not-so-subtle pressure to get a “real” job.

Jennifer began to see the effect on her kids. They rarely saw each other.  “With a house that big there is always space to go off on your own. They would disappear into their bedrooms.  We were losing the closeness we had as a family.”   For a while Dustin and Jennifer tried to fill the space between family members with “stuff.”  “Buy more stuff and throw it at the kids” she said. “I got to the place I was so unhappy with the direction my family was taking I was working more to spend more to work harder to spend more.” The isolation was not the picture of family life that Jennifer wanted. “I couldn’t stand how we lived a life filled with consumerism, excessive screen time and really everyone wishing they could be anywhere but home. The kids spent more time with their grandparents than they did with us, I worked as much as possible, Dustin liked to be in the house but wasn’t really present in the day to day happening of the household. All of us had turned to social media or friends from work/school for conversation.”

Around this time Jennifer began helping her brother renovate a small rental home he owned.  It was 3 bedrooms, 1 bathroom, 1100 square feet and no basement.  The more time she spent in the home the more she began entertaining the possibility of getting off the hamster wheel. “We could do this” she thought.  “We could sell the big house, pay off debt, and move into the small house.”  The option was a “hard no” for Dustin, remembers Jennifer.  The kids need their own bedrooms, we all need the space.  But Jennifer had been pushed to her limit and she was unwilling to compromise what she saw as the detrimental effect on her family. “To me I only had one choice, flip the whole damn ship and shake it. Hard! So, I did.” She said.

While they didn’t sell the large home (today it stands vacant, it’s future undetermined) they did move into the smaller home. The initial response to life in a relative shoebox was predictable and unpleasant. “We left pretty much everything behind” said Jennifer. “The toys, the clothes, the TVs, iPads, all of it. I didn’t even get internet for the first month or so. I worked off the hotspot on my phone and the kids had meltdowns.” However, over time Jennifer began to see a change. “The kids stopped crying and started playing with each other. They made up games, played hide and seek, colored pictures, my boys laid in bed late and talked and laughed, we started playing board games as a family and talking at the dinner table.”

Jennifer finds that it’s much easier to keep clean and organized. “Every space is utilized. Nothing is wasted” she says.  The Wernerts don’t buy, collect, or keep “stuff.” Jennifer notes that the peace of mind is worth the sacrifice.  In reflecting on the decision, Jennifer says “I think what was surprising and yet not really surprising at all was the amount of stuff that we left behind, and no-one seemed to miss. When we moved out all we took were the essentials.” Do they miss the big house? “We miss the neighborhood,” says Jennifer.  The Wernert kids had friends there but they are working to recreate that “village” in their new neighborhood.

While there are sacrifices: the “dance” of one bathroom for six people and no basement for storage are luxuries that are sometimes missed, Jennifer doesn’t regret the decision. “I don’t want to go back to a life of excess.  I don’t want to have to wince when I write the monthly mortgage check.”  Jennifer says that she never wants to get caught up again in the “American Dream.”  Jennifer says she is still living it, albeit redefined. “Living and doing life together is just all around more enjoyable now that we’re focused on each other and not on the stuff. As a society we all know and understand this concept but it’s so easy to drown in materialism before you even know you’re sinking. “